The Secret of Attraction - Part One
Everyone is talking about it lately "The secret" (if you haven't heard of "The secret" (still, you've probably been very busy, haven't you?) But go back to the 80s when the biggest topic was the syndrome "Super Woman "? It seems to me that these "hot topics" they come and go like waves, don't they? But it's almost a natural progression with our patriarchal culture, we're two steps forward, one step back...
But the more I think about it, I get the feeling that men get the short end of the stick when it comes to patriarchy. We all know that women have been oppressed living in a patriarchal society…but it's not just about women. Both sexes are under influence which is not always positive. Now that the woman has been called "Super жena" which implies a double function, performing one's work duties and taking care of the house and the family, who do we expect to carry the "burden"? Our partners, of course. But what effect will that have on our relationship? Ah, that's where we get into "The secret".
I had a friend ask me this question via text (and yes, I have her permission to use it in this article, The Secret of Attraction - Part One)
"I don't get as much emotional support from my husband as I would like and it's getting worse over time. I do all sorts of things to distract myself most of the time. I try to keep busy all the time. Is it possible for a woman to ever be satisfied with the overall emotional support she receives from her husband?"
What do we women actually expect from our partners? Even the word "partner" it connotes equality. The modern woman wants a man who is as good a provider as she is. Who can divide the responsibilities in half - pick up the kids from school every other day, stop at the grocery store and buy whatever is needed, help with dinner, clean up, put the kids to bed, and then , when the lights go out late at night…..what? To listen to our various trivia for the day and then if we are not too tired to be nothing less than a loose stallion in bed.
I asked a friend of mine "What do you really want from your partner?"? That's a question I had to ask myself a long time ago. Fortunately, now I know what I want. I've been clean about it for some time now – after my divorce. (it's funny how all premature marriages lead you to the conclusion of what not to do in a relationship!) Why do we put our intimate partner first? What role do they play in our lives that no one else can replace? Is it friendship? Someone who gives us emotional support?
Or is it a lover?
I know my answer. Only you can answer for yourself. There are many relationships that work quite well as equal partners. People are simply co-parents or best friends, and it works. It is an arranged marriage or one based on mutual interest. They have sex, of course it's a kind of release, a physical connection, and that's good. (What is bad sex? It's like bad chocolate….if there really is such a thing as bad sex?) If you want that type of relationship and are happy with it, then you don't have to bother and keep reading this. You already have what you want. But if, like my friend, you want something more, and you're not sure what you're missing, I think I could help you as much as possible, or at least point you in a direction you haven't noticed until now.
The first law of personal development is: I can't change anyone else, I can only change myself. There is nothing you can change about your partner who is not doing what you think they should be doing, but there are many things you can change about yourself. The good news is that when we change ourselves, the world around us is forced to change. Changing yourself is actually the only way to change others or your situation.
So the first question is: Do you really want to change? This is a really hard question to answer because of course we will say "YES" …but if that was the case, wouldn't we have already done something? Most of the time we are scared – scared of what might happen because we have no control over the outcome, we can only respond. It might help if you sit down with all your fears and really decide if change is what you want.
The next question is: How far are we willing to go? Because remember, this isn't about your partner, it's about you…so, how deep are you willing to dig? What are you willing to do, what offer are you making to yourself?
After going through these questions, you should ask yourself and examine what you really want. My friend said what she thought she wanted "Emotional support." That was what she longed to get from her partner. But it's funny because that's not what I heard.
i heard "I have a hole that I want him to fill". She said "It seems to me that it is getting worse as time goes on. It seems to me that most of the time I do some different things to pass the time. I put myself in a state of being busy all the time." Busyness fills the hole – even though we all know it doesn't. It is, as you said yourself – avoidance, distancing.
So I asked her, and I ask you, to conclude, whether you rely on your partner to fill a role that they should not fill. I will also admit that your partner has probably abdicated the role he was supposed to have in your life. So here we ask ourselves the question, how could something like this happen? How did everything get so messed up and confusing?
A lot of the time we devote ourselves to our personal development, we move into that space of doing " balance" with themselves. To balance those two polar opposites in ourselves, good and bad, masculinity and femininity. How do you notice that you have lost the passion in your relationship? Why? Think of a magnet…opposites attract. Someone must carry the female energy, someone the male, otherwise the magnets will stand like that and will be of no use. When we have two balanced people, it means we have no polarity, and therefore, no passion.
When it comes to relationships, it's pretty common for most women (not all, but most yes) to make the connection between sex and emotions. It is very difficult for women to separate sex and emotions, because on a physical level, she is the recipient. She must be opened, she is sensitive in order for the man to enter her. On the other hand, men do not necessarily open up in the same way. Most men do not equate sex with emotions.
When I talk about men and women, I'm talking about archetypal energies, rather than genders. Men may have primarily feminine energy, while women may primarily have masculine energy. ...and that it can change over time or by choice. But for the sake of this piece, I will say that most men have a male being just like most women have a female being. …forgive me for the slight generalization for the sake of this argument.
Well, it goes without saying, women will say, "I am not getting the kind of emotional support I want from my husband." But is that what she really means? Honestly, I don't think so. But women may never have felt what they really lacked, may not have recognized it or had no way to express it – although I bet they have dreamed about it, fantasized about it, and will resonate with it when they reach a visceral level. Something like a twist in the Supreme Court's definition of pornography...she'll know it when she feels it.
So my friend and many other women want to fill in the gaps by making their partners their best friends – someone who should always be there to listen, someone to talk to, someone they can confide in…but is that what you really want? I know that is not what I want in my husband or in my marriage. It took me a long time to clarify what I really wanted. After a while, I was able to identify what I didn't want. That was the first step. After a lot of self-examination, research and experimentation, I finally came to the result of knowing what I want.
I want a man who can take me deeper than I can take myself. I want a man I can trust, someone I can truly surrender to, someone who will be the center of masculinity around which my femininity will freely circulate. Listen to me, I have best friends with whom I can talk about how my day was or we can turn some gossip, I also have a group of women with whom I can talk about my "problems…" but honestly none of them can do what my husband does.
What is that, you ask?
Well, think of an intimate partnership. What does marriage or an intimate partnership offer you that no other relationship can?
OK, I'll spell it for you… s-e-k-s. I don't mean to insert itete tab A in the slot B which is nothing but superficial pleasure, nothing more than masturbation with your partner. I'm talking about deep, open, heart and soul connection. The body openings don't even have to be involved – just the connection is enough. This is what our feminine hearts often yearn for and we don't know it. And if we know about it, we are afraid to ask for the same. We fear it so much and what do we do? We solve it. We decide to turn our husbands into trusted little friends…a decision that can only confuse them and hurt us….Solution? You will find that in the second part…You just have to open the second part, leave the rest to me!
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